I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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