He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
