I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You ruined the universe
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
