I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
