she was so not down for the gang bang
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
