i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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