life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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