Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
