I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
