I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
