You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
