the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
