There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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