My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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