My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
