I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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