Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
