Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
