Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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