They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
