i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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