I wannas sexs uuuuu
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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