I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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