Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
