i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
