He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
