I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i will never coherently bang her
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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