she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
