the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
