When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
