They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED