Sry I called you an 8
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
