Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You are the jesus of drinking
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
