I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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