I can't breathe out the right side of my face
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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