does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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