guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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