My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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