a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
