i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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