His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
