I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
