Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
