YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
