You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She told me I should be a condom model.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
