It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
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Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
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Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
All the doctor said was why
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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