PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
