If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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