Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
