barbara walters just said penis...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
