how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
