Ambien. No doubt about it.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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