just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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