nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
