I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
